Disagreement on parenting styles?
Me and my wife Monsa were discussing what parenting styles would work best for our future child (3 months pregnet). I believe in ******** because it was how I was brought up and I believe it works. She thinks ******** does not work. She thinks the child would react in violent manner towards their children. I’m not asking for if you think ******** is child abuse. We both belive its not. I’m asking for is how do we come to agreement on this matter. Any experienced parents out there. This will be my first born and all I really want is to see my child be raised in a good way and be succesful in life. So help please.
There are very many children out there that are well behaved and have never been *******. I believe personally that it is wrong, and that it emotionally scars a child, as I believe with any angry physical contact would do. But you as the parents are the only ones who can deside this.
well im a teenager and i was ******* and i think it worked because i think im very well behaved and all grounding does is torment the child
Depends on the child. I can tell you there is a fine line between ******** and abuse. Professionals would tell you if you were abused as a kid, it’s better to no *****. But you didn’t ask that, so let me address what you did. Negotiate somewhere in the middle. It will come to you both. Try it her way and then both of you be willing to be flexible with your methods as you move forward with your parenting.
All children are different. Some will respond to a stern look. Others would be devestated if they had to stand in the corner. Others will only respond to corporal punishment. You just have to know how your paticular child is.
I think it would be best to wait and see what works with the child after it gets older. Some kids don’t have to be *******. Taking favorite toys away and the like, seems to work with some kids. On the other hand, some kids are high strung and a quick swat on the bottom is all that will get their attention. It all depends on the temperment of the child. I have 2 boys and one of each temperment. I have one that threatening to take his toys away works well in getting him to behave. And I have one that is very high strung and has to have the occassional tap on the bottom to get his attention.
yea ..i believe that people who think like that “renegade” character will end up having children who will do the next “columbine”……..
the bible says “spare the rod, spoil the child”…. and the bible is all i need to answer this question for me….
not ever child NEEDS to be whooped..(sorry im black, and we just dont say “spanked”)….but LORD KNOWS SOME CHILDREN that dont get whooped..and only get those pathetic little “time out for 5 min johnny, or go stand in the corner”….are some of the worst children in public places, have no respect for their parents or others….
people can say what they want about black people, but one thing you cannot deny is that you dont see too many black children misbehaving in public places…..i always see plenty of white children being dragged out of the stores crying, punching, and screaming at their parents…but rarely and i mean rarely do i see that from a black child…and why is that…because we are disciplined
i hope you and your wife can come up with a compromise …..i dont have one for you..because i know were you coming from and to me its the right way…..
Disagreements in doing things are inevitable. Just don’t do them in front of the child, lest he gets confused. In front of the child, parents should be in unison, especially with regards to disciplining their children. It is good to avoid being physical because it can destroy their self-esteem, and that is the most important thing you can give your children- build their self-esteem.
do some role playing with your wife and act naughty. she’ll soon see the benefits and results of spanking
It’s my belief that if you do a good job as a parent you don’t need to hit your children.
Show by example, correct them with kind firmness, and above all be consistent. Don’t let kids do something wrong 10 times and then lose your temper and smack ‘em.
Worse yet are parents who see their child doing something wrong and joke about it or throw up their hands and say, “I give up.” Kids push boundaries and they’ll really push with that style of parenting. Those are the kids who end up beaten with belts because the parents have lost control.
Children take a lot of time.
I believe that ******** a child teaches them that violence is OK. Neither of my sisters ***** their children and all three children are growing up to be very respectful (most of the time) and well behaved. The oldest is 8 and the youngest is 2.
Spanking only teaches the child to fear their parents. It does not teach the child self control. The child needs to learn self control because you are not always going to be there to tell the child what to do. Situations may come up that you haven’t talked to your child about, and your child will have to make the right decision. The only way your child can do that is if they have a good, internal sense of right and wrong. If there sense of right and wrong depends on what you ******* them for or didn’t ***** them for, them may have trouble when faced with a completely new situation.
Ok, I can help. I raised two successful men (22 & 24).
Here is what I learned and what I followed. The only time I ******* a child, it was one hard jolting swat for safety only. If you child wants to touch the stove burner or run into the street or put his finger in an electric socket. Otherwise it was reserved only for when absolutely necessary and nothing else works (serious only).
The reason is when a child grows up with ******** and the pain inflicted they get used to it. It takes more and more pain to get your point across (and many patents cross the line of abuse when their tipical ******** no longer works). ******** is useless in the end. It defeats the purpose of getting a child to trust you, love you, and bond with you for life. Why would you bond with someone who hurts you? You wouldnt would you? You child will grow up and when they do they question the hitting or they remember it and feel the pain over and over. The fear of ******** never goes away it is just repressed.
Now if you dont ***** and leave it for safety issues only you child will respect you, and bond with you. A bond that can never be broken. Too many children who were ******* repeatedly as a child learn to love pain even when they fear it. They go out into the world as adults and they make horrible decisions. They marry the one who hurts them and they make lots of bad choices thinking that pain is normal and expected. Many turn to drugs, smoking, drinking for a release. All the while this was surpressed and only would come out in counselling.
There are better ways, find out what works for your child. Both parents MUST be on the same page (using the same form of dicipline). It is always best to use positive inforcement instead of negative reinforcement (spanking). Positives can be giving you child more one on one time with parent, stories at bedtime, play in the park, kids party, and more. Somthing the child enjoys to get the child to behave. The reason once again is: when you deprive a child of things (take away toys, take away fun, grounded to room) a child learns to cope without and then the dicipline stops working. You lose control.
When the child is small you can use a “time out policy” where the child sits, quiet, no interaction. But this only works for very young and only for a short time. As your child gets older you have to change things up. Alway, always make sure your child knows the rules so that if he breaks them there will be immediate consequences (something will happen). Make the punishment appropriate to the rule broken.
Example:
Child got in trouble at school.
Consequences for actions: Child must pick up litter around the outter perimeter of school grounds. Child learns not to do it again.
Child hits another kid.
Consequences: Child must write sentences (I must not hit others) every day after school for 5 days. Kids will learn this way.
Child breaks your glass vase being careless.
Consequences: child must earn money to buy another one. He can do work at home outside of chores to pay for it.
Child steals something in a store.
Consequences: Child must return item to manager and appologize for his actions. Bet they dont do it again.
These are the ways children learn to be a better part of the world in which they live. Not by being hit and then hitting back. I have seen first hand kids who get ******* when they are alone with a smaller child or baby they hit it. This is what they learned and they do it back. It makes sense, doesnt it?
Sure this is not true of all kids, some get around the pain and deal with it differently, but this is true of most kids.
Please do not *****. Read books on parenting they give you many options that really work. You child will be better rounded and happier I guarantee it. And they will grow up making wise decisions in life like marriage, jobs, education etc.
Congratulations. I wish I was starting all over again, a baby is a blessing.
I believe in ********. However if she does not want to, the main thing is that the two of you agree on something and consistently give the discipline you decide on. Do not choose different parenting styles. The child will pick up on this and use it to his/her advantage.
I won’t get into the ******** debate. What’s important is that you have a difference of opinion with your wife. I think what you and your wife need to do is sit down and discuss what the options/redirections/punishments will be, in what order, and to what extent. That way, if it gets to the point where nothing is working, you can say, “well, we tried w, x, and y…now it’s time to try z”
My husband and I have VERY different ideas on religion, but we’ve come to our own compromise regarding how we will work it out with our daughter. What’s most important in regard to ANY compromise situation is to have the plan laid out ahead of time and to present a united front. Otherwise, your child will quickly learn who to “play” and how to do it; kids are smart.
Congratulations and good luck!
I Think that this country has gone down the tubes due to a serious lack in physical discipline (not child abuse). My father in-law has been a school teacher for 22 years, he was recently accosted by one of his students that refused to get off his cell phone during class. He suffered a black eye and a long lasting head ache. Children’s moral fiber in this society has deteriorated to the point of no return. I was ******* but not on a regular basis. I think that the mere threat of being ******* was enough to make me respect my parents authority. I think the ******** is effective but might not be necessary but I bet the Columbine shooters were never *******.
I believe in spanking, but only up to a certain age. I was spanked, and I think I’m all the better for it. All the times I got a ******** I defintely deserved it. All this crap about it emotionally scarring children is bull…I feel fine about it. People that talk like that are what I call “negotiators.” I love seeing people negotiating with a 4 year old kid. I’m not negotiating with a 4 year old having a tantrum.
I do believe its wrong to beat your children…that can leave some scars, but there’s nothing wrong with a well deserved ********. At certain ages kids don’t respond to much else but a ********. After about 7 or 8 kids can understand that their actions have consequences and I don’t really believe in ******** after that age. Some people have said that ******** make you not trust your parents…that’s b.s. I tell my parents everything, and totally trust their judgment. I think the level of respect children show to adults has diminished b/c ppl haven’t been ******** their children enough. Again, you can tell if a kid’s parents have been negotiating rather than punishing…b/c a lot of them talk to adults in a rather smug disrespectul manner.
I’m a parent of five ,,,, Unlike what allot of people believe ,,,, ******** IS NOT child abuse ,,,, It’s abuse if you let your child run free with no effective discipline at all ,,,, The idea behind administering discipline to your child is to instill in him proper and acceptable behavior ,,,, Every child is different just like all adults are different ,,,, Children are people too ,,,, ******** should be the last resort of course but when all else fails it should be done ,,,, ******** should only be done by the dominate person in the home which usually involves the father ,,,, This is one lever the mother can use with the child ,,,, such as to say ” if you don’t do what you are told I’m going to tell your father ” ,,,,Or ” tell you father when we get home ” which ever fits ,,,, The father should be the supreme or dominate authority in the home ,,,, That’s why it’s hard being a father ,,,, Sometimes reaching the thinking end to induce proper behavior requires going through the other end if you get my meaning ,,,, In other words ,,,, you have to use the tail end to adjust the head end ,,,, One thing you NEVER want to do is ***** using your hand ,,,, This is dangerous for the child ,,,, The hand can be considered a weapon in certain cases ,,,, The hand could break or dislocate bones ,,,, And if you strike the child ,,,, then you strike him on the **** not the legs or the back or anywhere else including slapping them on the face ,,,, Slapping the face like you see allot of people do could result in putting an eye out or breaking the skin or something undesirable ,,,, You don’t want to damage or injure your child ,,,, just get him to conform and display acceptable behavior ,,,, Just as important as corporal punishment is communication with the child ,,,, Tell him that he is acting in a way that’s going to lead to an unpleasent end if he doesn’t behave ,,,, One important thing to remember is to follow through with your threats if you want him to respect you and what you say ,,,, Never threaten and not follow through ,,,, That is sending the wrong message intirely ,,,, Consistency is very important ,,,, You want to administer punishment that is effective and will not harm the child ,,,, This means administerring pain which is a good teacher without doing actual physical harm ,,,, The best way I’ve found and most effective was using a simple piece of lath board just 12 inches long and the wood is dense enough but light enough to sting without actually hurting the child with just a wrist action instead of using a full arm swing which could injure ,,,, If you have to resort to ******** then it’s the sting on the **** that sends the message you are trying to get across to the other end ,,,, It’s the sting and the reason why they got it that will stick in their mind ,,,, It’s amazing how you can see them think while rubbing the sore spot ,,,, Like I said earlier ,,,, Sometimes you have to get to the head end through the rear end if all else fails ,,,, There is a main channel between the two locations ,,,, Each AND EVERY time the child misbehaves then be prepaired to administer the punishment appropriate to the offense ,,,, Always be consistant ,,,,Being inconsistant creates confusion and lack of respect for what you say to him ,,,, Like I said ,,,, a sting on the **** when needed isn’t hurting the child and in most cases is good for the child because if he doesn’t learn dicipline and respect at home ,,,, then he’s not going to respect civil authority when he’s grown to adult hood ,,,, The mind of a child is like a piece of molding clay ,,,, You work with it to attain the desired effect ,,,, It’s the same with a childs mind ,,,,You can mold a childs mind in the way you want him to go ,,,, Believe me ,,,, being a parent is NOT an easy job ,,,, It’s one of the most responsible and important jobs you could ever have though because you are molding a person that will become a part of society eventually ,,,, You will only get out of your child what you put into him ,,,, You MUST make sure you use the right tools and a lath board is an important item ,,,, Children are going to always push the envelope to see how far they can get or get away with ,,,, That’s why it’s important to alway be consistant ,,,, Once they’ve learned and understand their perameters they won’t go too far in any unfavorable direction ,,,, The time to start administerring this discipline is when they get old enough to start getting into trouble ,,,, The earlier you establish your dominance the better off both you and the child are going to be and the less discipline you’ll have to administer later on ,,,, The later you start the harder it’s going to be ,,,, So get into their mind as earlier as you can ,,,, Some times it will break you heart to make your child cry so dicipline with love not anger ,,,, If your child does something that makes you mad ,,,,, Then send him to his room to give him time to think about what he’s done and this gives you time to cool off too ,,,, Usually the time given to think about what he’s done is just as good as the ******** he knows he’s going to get ,,,, Never discipline in a state of temper ,,,, When you are ready to face the child and administer discipline then go to his room and tell him why he’s about to get a ******** first and then do it and get it over with don’t linger on it afterwards or go into over kill with it either ,,,, But like I said ,,,, the earlier you instill your dominance with the child the easier it will be for both of you and you won’t have to resort to ******** to often or at all if you’ve handled it right ,,,, With one of my daughters a simple little pop on the **** woke her up and she was always the best little girl after that and would listen when we talked to her and we never had to resort to anythng more than just talking to her ,,,, One other area I would advise is that you and your wife NEVER discuss child discipline infront of the child ,,,, Kids are smart and they aren’t above working one parent again the other ,, lol ,, You both have to be in agreement and discipline the same way ,,,, This will let the child know that there’s no out or other recourse other than what’s been laid down by both parents ,,,, Raising children involves allot of common sence really ,,,, It’s not hard to put yourself in your childs place and think about what would be unattractive to you ,,,, Most likely it’s the same for the child so you can gage from that what you want to do ,,,, Child rearing is not an easy job and requires constant attention from the womb to the time they reach the age to step out on their own ,,,, How they do in life depends on the love ,, attention ,, and discipline you’ve put into them during their formative years ,,,, Bring a child up in the way they should go and they will not depart from it or very little if any ,,,,, It’s a broad subject and allot could be talked about but I will end this now by saying that everything I’ve suggested here has already been tried and tested with workable results with my own children ,,,, I lost one daughter in a auto accident ,,,, the rest of the children ,,, boys and girls alike have turned out to be responsible adults and parents themselves ,,,, I”m very proud of all of them ,,,, This method I’ve suggested should work with anyone elses children too ,,,, Just remember to discipline with love and not anger or temper ,,,,Your desires and goals determine you focus and both parents have to be in agreement and administer discipline consistently ,,,,, Good luck ,,,, Yoda told you all of this ,,,,,
Spanking doesn’t work. I know because I have two children and I’ve *******. It does nothing but make the child cry and usually escalates the problem. It makes a situation spiral out of control. And I can assure you the child will not have learned anything from it. Whatever you ******* him/her for he/she will do again. The only thing I think happens when you ***** is the you, as the angry frustrated parent, releases a bit of your own aggresion.
I’ve found the best thing for us is to set expectations. Whenever we do anything we tell the child what we’re doing and what we expect. If we’re going shopping I give the kids a quick run down of what we’ll be doing and how I want them to behave. This works wonders! When they do happen to misbehave we use time outs with our youngest. Our oldest gets privelages taken away. But we rarely have to resort to any of that. Communication works the best. I get compliments all the time. On a flight in 2004 a woman was on the plane with her screaming child and she looked over at mine and asked “how do you do it?” It was simply, I told them what we would be doing and what they should expect and what I expected from them. Communication. Of course, when they’re toddlers you can still do this. They won’t understand everything but it is good to start young. When they are getting into things then you just redirect. There is no reason to ***** or yell. Just redirect.
I was ******* as a child and I can tell you it did nothing but make me resentful of my father who I no longer have a relationship with. His way of parenting was to shame me and make me feel bad about myself. ******** was a part of that. I don’t want that for my kids and after having actually ******* and seeing it doesn’t work anyway, I don’t see why I should do it.
I agree with outspoken…..my friend has a son that is 3 and she sends him to time out instead of ******** him….one day we were at the mall and she called his name and told him that he was going to get into trouble if he don’t stop it…he responded to her by saying You can’t put me in time out now….Now right there I would have busted his **** (not abusive) . Some kids need to be ******* sometimes….I have a 10 month old son and if he ever gets out of line with me i will ***** him and let him know that everytime you do that you will get *******…so i hope that you and your wife will resolve this issue.